WRITE UP ON
HOW TO DEAL WITH A BREAKUP
Wikipedia defines a relationship breakup, often referred to simply as a breakup, as the termination of an intimate relationship by any means other than death. The act is commonly termed "dumping someone" in slang when it is initiated by one partner. The term is less likely to be applied to a married couple, where a breakup is typically called a separation or divorce. When a couple engaged to be married breaks up, it is typically called a "broken engagement."
Susie Orbach (1992) has argued that the dissolution of dating and cohabiting relationships can be as painful as or more painful than divorce because these non-marital relationships are less socially recognized .Today we will be looking at ways to get over a break up. Enjoy
A heartbreak and parting of ways with
your loved one is always painful, no matter what the circumstance. But, you are
never alone to go through the searing pain that threatens to rip through that
soul. There are always others who have been through or are experiencing a
similar predicament right at that moment. And since pain helps produce the most
poignant of emotions
You can go ahead and mull it over, as
many times as necessary, within reason. Consider all the reasons you two broke
up. Even if it sometimes seems as if there wasn't a good reason, there
certainly was one - and probably more than one. Understand that you enjoyed
being together for a while, but if the relationship was not what both
you and your partner wanted for life, it would have ended eventually, no matter
what. In this case, better sooner than later. Thinking about the reasons why it
ended can make it much clearer to you that it takes two people to start dating,
but just one discordant person is enough to end it. It may also help you avoid
many missteps in the future if you can identify areas where you contributed to
the demise of the relationship.
If the breakup was your decision, keep
in mind that only thinking about all the good times you had with your partner
may cause you to forget the reasons why you broke it off. By the same token,
try not to second-guess the situation if the decision to end things was not
yours. It's very common to romanticize the good parts of the relationship,
convincing yourself that maybe the bad parts weren't so bad after all, that
maybe you could just live with them. Or that maybe if your ex would know just
how you feel, he/she wouldn't want to break up after all. Don't play this game with
yourself. Accept the situation and work on moving forward.
Even if you and your ex have decided to
stay friends, break away completely from each other right after the breakup.
This means not seeing each other, not being around his/her family members, no
phone calls, no e-mails, no text messages, no Facebook, and no IMs - not
necessarily as a permanent measure, but until you feel that you can converse
with him/her on a purely platonic level, without an ulterior motive (and yes,
wanting to get back together counts as an ulterior motive). If he/she tries to
convince you to see him/her, ask yourself honestly what the point would be. If
you're reliving the past by seeing him/her, it's not hard to get caught up in
the moment and it will be harder to let go again. You may have to have some
contact in order to deal with the practical aspects of things like moving out,
signing papers, etc., but try to limit this to what's absolutely necessary, and
then keep such calls/meetings short and civil.
It's okay to feel like you have messed
up - accepting responsibility for your
mistakes or shortcomings is healthy. On the other hand, you must also accept
that you are a good person, and that you did your best and you're not the only
one who made mistakes. Of course, a stage of denial is completely natural, but
acceptance is the key to being able to start moving on.
This
is when you want to just scream because your rage feels boundless. The amount
of anger you feel depends on how antagonistic the split was, the
circumstances, and how long it took to make the final break. You may resent
your ex for wasting your time. You may realize that the breakup was inevitable
(hindsight will reveal clues you failed to notice at the time). You may even
feel a lot of anger towards yourself, but let go of that feeling fast! It's a
waste of time and energy to rip yourself apart over something you no longer
have the power to change. There are so many positive things you can do with
your emotions and energy. Although it may feel good to replace your feelings of
love towards your ex with hate, this can still lead to complications and mixed
emotions of love and hate which are never a good thing.
You want people around you who love you and who will help you feel good about
yourself. Surrounding yourself with compassionate, supportive friends and
family will help you see yourself as a worthwhile person, and you'll find it
easier to get steady on your feet again with your loved ones around you in a
comforting net.
Write
in journals. The most important thing is to be absolutely sincere and don't edit
yourself as you go. One of the best results of writing it all down is that
sometimes you will be amazed by a sudden insight that comes to you as you are
pouring it all out onto paper. Patterns may become clearer, and as your
grieving begins to lessen, you will find it so much easier to understand
valuable life lessons from the whole experience if you've been writing your way
through it. No relationship is ever a failure if you manage to learn something
about yourself. Just because it didn't work out doesn't mean it wasn't a
necessary part of your journey to becoming who you're meant to be.
One of the best tricks to help you stick
to your resolve is to make a list of all the reasons your ex was not the one for
you. Be ruthless and clear this is not the time to be forgiving. What you're
doing is creating a picture for yourself that will call up an emotional
response when you feel tempted to think that "maybe if you just did this
or that, it would work out..." Write down what happened and how it made
you feel, being clear about the things you never want to feel again. When you find
yourself missing your ex in a weak moment, and think you might actually be
getting too close to the telephone, get out this list, read it over a couple
times, and then talk to yourself, "This is the truth of what it was like.
Why would I want to go back and torture myself again?" If you're
caught in a low-self-esteem trap, thinking you don't deserve better, imagine
this happening to a friend of yours, and think what you would say to your
friend: "Get as far away as you can! That relationship was no good for
you!"
A breakup can signify a new beginning.
Therefore, cleaning and organizing your personal space will leave you feeling
refreshed and prepared for the new things to come. A mess can be overwhelming
and depressing, and will just add to your stress level. The added bonus is that keeping busy
with tidying your space doesn't require a lot of brain power, but does require
just enough focus to keep you from recycling pain. Occupying yourself with such
tasks designed to make your life better and easier will also occupy your
mind enough to help you through the residual pain. Clean your room, get some
new posters, clean up the icons on your PC desktop. As insignificant as
cleaning up sounds, it'll make you feel better.
There are all kinds of things that
remind you of your ex––a song, a smell, a sound, a place. Once the grieving
period has had some time to process, don't dwell on painful feelings or
memories. There are probably things that are pushing your buttons without your
conscious recognition. Try walking around each room in your house with a box
and removing things that make your heart ache or your stomach turn. Really
focus and look carefully. You may realize that the little blue bird-shaped box
sitting on the mantel has become pretty invisible for the last couple years,
but when you take a conscious look at it, you notice that every time you turn
towards that corner of the room and it catches your eye, you feel a sharp
little pain in your solar plexus. It can work wonders to clear your space of
all these triggers. If you have a keepsake, such as a watch or piece of jewelry
that was given to you by your ex, and it's a reminder of the good aspects of
your relationship, there's nothing wrong with keeping such a thing, but for the
time being, try putting it away for later, when you've given yourself some time
and space. Put these reminders far away from you, such as in a box in a place
you'll never go. Out of sight, out of mind
Whether that means spending time with
your friends and family, signing up for
that class you've always wanted to take, or reading books on bestseller list,
remind yourself that a relationship is one part of life, but even when you are
in one, there are personal pleasures that you can always enjoy on your own.
Indulge in those things now. As they say, the best revenge is living well.
Exercise improves your mood and
alleviates depression, and the distraction will help keep your mind off your
situation. Go running outside, visit (or join) the gym, or just go for a walk,
maybe with a friend, and think of releasing the anger or sadness with every
step. If you don't exercise regularly, here are some ways to motivate yourself
Do something small, right now. Going all the
way to the gym, or getting decked out in your jogging gear, or doing whatever
it is you feel you should be doing obviously seems like too much work. So just
do ten push-ups or jumping jacks. Easy. And usually, it's just enough to get
your heart rate going a little bit, and make you feel like a little more
exercise wouldn't be so bad...
Get halfway there. If you want to go to the
gym, but just don't feel like it, at least just drive yourself to gym, and tell
yourself that if you still don't feel like working out, you'll go home. Odds
are, though, once you're there, you won't feel like driving home. (But if you
do, that's okay too. But you probably won't.) Then tell yourself you'll just
walk on the treadmill for 10 minutes, even if your exercise routine involves
much more. Just telling yourself to do one more thing, without having to commit
to anything else, will make things much easier. And before long, your
endorphins will take over.
Understand that there is no benefit in
holding on to heartache, regret, and hatred toward another person. Realize that
although it is over, your relationship with that person was unique and special
in a lot of ways. You can congratulate yourself for being brave enough to take
a risk and fall in love, and encourage your heart that even though love didn't
work out this time, there will be a next time.
You can look at not necessarily all
negative, but the "turn-offs" of that person. For example, the less
attractive you find them, the quicker you'll get over them. Your mentality has
to strictly be all bad characteristics about this person, without sounding
hateful, or "hating" on this person. (Ex. his/her hair always had a
funny smell to it, he/she never brushed his teeth, he/she never bought anything
for my birthday, he/she had the ugliest smile I've ever seen, he/she had the
most annoying laugh, ETC ).
Its been great sharing this with you, if
this has been of any help to you, you can add ur comments or even better, share
your story, because someone out there needs you to help them with your story …
xoxo!!! OME
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